How to make your own chai/tea lattes that literally rival the $5 one’s you buy from Starbucks.  DIY, Howto and Office Pwnership. 

1. Acquire tea boxes from your neighborhood inexpensive tea wholesaler.  aka Wal-Mart.
2. Ensure your office provides free hot-water.
3. Ensure said office provides free, powdered non-dairy creamer.
4. Acquire Two Cups
5. Cup 1 - Add tea bag.  Fill hot-water half way if optimist, half-empty if pesimist, and go to hell if you don’t get that joke.
6. Stir the crap out of the tea-bag/water.
7. Once mixed up more than a celebutante’s social life, add a decent amount of non-dairy creamer powder.   Remove tea-bag
8. In second up, fill with ice.
9. Pour tea-mixture over ice.
10. Be pompous and tell all your co-workers how ingenius you are by stealing my idea and making your own Starbucks rivaling tea lattes.

If you’re looking for a new job, you’re probably extremely sick of hearing - ‘give it time, stay motivated and someone will call.’ I know when I was looking I wanted to castrate and clothespin damn near everyone that said that to me. I wanted out of where I was, and was willing to do damn near anything to get a paycheck from someone else.

It’s hard to stay motivated when you’re not getting any phone calls, or response to the hours upon hours you’re submitting resumes and filling out those damn web based HR screening programs. Looking back at myself, while I was struggling through that phase I should have turned to ‘professional’ drunk dialing…

Ok, I should clarify. You’ve broken your keyboard by typing so much information into job applications and you need to unwind, and moreover - get hired. Drink a nice cocktail and get a bit loosened up. Pick up the phone, and call the place you want to get hired at. While remaining professional, tell them you understand they may not be looking for someone with your qualifications and talent, but nonetheless you wanted to introduce yourself as best you can over the phone. (P.s. - know a little something about the company, especially if they are currently in the news.) Remember names, joke a bit and consider yourself ahead of the game when you hang up that phone.

There’s a couple of old sayings, ‘Act as if..’ and ‘Whether you think you can, or can’t, you’re probably right.’  There’s also the age old staple of ‘The Customer is always right.’  We all face problems in dealing with crabby employees, poor service and just general uber-assholes in uniform.  Here’s some quick advice for the mindset to acquire while complaining. 

• When Complaining, Act. 
  Put yourself in a the role the low-level manager is wanting to see you in.  Pretend you’re trying to get casted, and you’ll amaze yourself at the dialogue you put together.  

• Keep Emotions in check.
  A good general rule of thumb but especially important if you want to save face.  True, you may get what you want by throwing a huge tantrum in the middle of the place - but you’ll look like a sissy.
• Drop Names.
  Not ‘Mr.’ names, but personal, friendly names.  I.e. - Frank, Doug, wayne, Linda, Lauren etc.  If you can personally name someone higher on the food chain, and sound like he’s a personal friend - then you’ll spook them.  Mix that with your Oscar award acting, you could get this manager scumbag bending over backwards.
• Comment Cards.
  Ask for a comment card, and mention that you’re planning on mailing it directly to corporate, or even hand-delivering it to your friend ‘Frank.’  While askign for the comment card, make sure you verify the name of the manager that’s trying to extinguish the situation, and make it clear they’ll be addressed on the card.
• Totally Local. 
  Mention the frequency of visits you and your friends have at the business you’re at, and how you’re local and have no problem replacing this business with a new place.  Which brings us too…
• I’m Telling.
  Word of Mouth marketing is and always will be the most solid form of Marketing - good or bad.  Businesesses know the 1 upset customer tells 10, they tell 10 etc. etc.  They also know that a person simply telling people close to them will instantly put a negative vibe into those people every time the come back to that location - and those people will be now looking for mistakes.
• Don’t Give Up. 
  Ever hear the story about the Texas college team thats been undefeated in 30 years?  They’ve never lost, they’ve just run out of time. Whether you suck at the above steps or not, on a long enough time line you’ll always get what you want - in one form or another.

So I had company this weekend… After a long night of ’stuff,’ my friend and I wanted some drinks.  I literally pulled this recipe out of my ass and yes, it did work… Very well indeed. 

What you Need

• Fresh Watermelon - cubed
• Quality Vodka aka not Absolut.  Get Stoli, Kettle or Goose.
• DeKrupyer Watermelon Pucker
• Lots of Fresh Lemons

Recipe (I think…. Can’t quite remember Haha.) 

1. 1 Medium-sized Fresh Watermelon cube muddled at bottom of shaker.

2. Decent slice of lemon squeezed and dropped in shaker.
3. 2 Parts Quality Vodka
4. 2 Parts DeKrupyer Watermelon Pucker
5. Ice / Shake.
6. Pour into glass, squeeze another slice of lemon into cup, garnish with lemon/watermelon pieces.

This drink was awesome.  The key to the drink was the lemons and fresh watermelon.  Without them, you have a Frat-boy bye bye juice mixture, with the lemons you have a classy drink you’d pay 18 bucks for in downtown Vegas.

Again, can’t quite remember the exact recipe and sure as heck don’t know the science behind each step, but I can promise you with a little bit of tweaking, this drink will be a good tool in your arsenal.  Comment in on your recipe/mixture and help me remember!